“Passport”
Is this really happening? Am I really here?
“Passport”
Why now? Why this way?
“PASSPORT!”
The customs agent’s exasperated voice jolted Marina back into reality.
“Passport? Yes, I have it…somewhere around here. I could’ve sworn I…”
Marina searched the inside pocket of her grey peacoat then proceeded to look into her tote bag. The customs agent rolled his eyes and began tapping his foot. He was a white husky man in his late 40s with a receding hairline. Unfortunately for him, the strawberry blonde hair that refused to grow on his head had come full force in his mustache.
“Found it!” Marina exclaimed as she handed over her passport to the disgruntled agent.
It was 11 p.m. and Marina could tell he was tired and fed up. He flipped through the passport and handed it back to her. Marina made her way through the airport with her brown vintage suitcase in tow and found the exit. She was supposed to wait for her cousin Sofia along the arrivals curb but how would she know who Sofia was? And how would Sofia know what Marina looked like? They hadn’t seen each other since they were both two years old.
The night was cool but not freezing. The grey peacoat was causing Marina to feel much warmer than necessary. Even for a Southern California night.
“Marina!”
She turned towards the direction of the voice. A dark blue Camry pulled up closer to where she was standing. The female driver parked the car while a younger woman on the passenger’s side got out. She ran to Marina and hugged her.
“¿Como estas? ¿Tienes mucho tiempo esperandonos?”
Marina did not what to make of it all. She guessed that this person must be family, otherwise, how would she know Marina’s name? But why was she so touchy with her? And didn’t her family know that Marina’s Spanish language skills were non-existent?
“Umm…no español,” Marina said.
“¡ Mira no mas!” the young woman said. “I forget that you are more pocha than me. You look so confused! Pobre. I’m Sofia, your cousin. My mom pointed you out. You look so much like your mom. That’s why we recognized you.”
“Okay, thank you.”
It was a lot for Marina. She figured that she did not have much of a choice but to get in the car with these two women who claimed to be related to her. Sofia took her suitcase and put it in the trunk of the car as Marina got into the backseat.
“¡Que gusto de verte m’ija!” said the woman behind the driver’s wheel. “I know you don’t know Spanish but that’s the language I like to express my cariño in. I don’t know if you remember me. You were so little when you left. I’m your Tia Matilde.” She smiled at Marina through the rearview mirror.
Sofia got into the car. “¡Lista!”
Tia Matilde put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. Thoughts were racing in Marina’s head. It all seemed so surreal. LAX was such a huge airport. She hadn’t been in Los Angeles since she was two. Now, 17 years later, she is in a car with her aunt and cousin, driving across the city to her mother’s family’s home in Boyle Heights. Only her mother would not be there. At least not really. She’d been dead for a little over a week now. All because of a uterine infection that took a turn for the worst and lack of medical insurance. Marina’s mother had not kept in touch with Marina, her twin brother Hernan, or her father. Apparently, her mother had divorced her children, too, --not just her husband. There were many times Marina wished she could have talked to her mother. So many overwhelming questions and feelings that no one else could have understood. Her father never brought up her mother and even Hernan did not care enough to probe into the family history. But Marina, on the other hand, longed for a motherly connection. Marina didn’t resent her mother but was hurt by the fact that she did not seem to care enough about what happened to her children. How can you just decide to get up and leave one day? Sever all ties? Did mother think of us as she took her final breaths?
***
Marina was exhausted from the long flight. The 15 hour flight from Barcelona was draining and the fact that she had to endure such a long, claustrophobic to be prepared to meet her family and attend her mother’s funeral didn’t help. Her father was angry with Marina for insisting on attending the funeral and if he had had his way, neither Marina nor Hernan would have ever known of their mother’s passing. Fortunately for Marina, she had been home the day her Tía Matilde called and answered the international call. When her father got home from the army base, Marina shared the news. Her father did not show any reaction. He simply looked at Marina and went to his office to take care of his paperwork. She told Hernan later that night as well and he replied, “Serves her right.” Marina was shocked. She knew Hernan hated their mother but would have never guessed that he would actually rejoice in her death. Marina often wondered how much of her father’s influence resulted in Hernan’s animosity towards their mother…
Tía Matilde and Sofia could tell Marina had a long day and fortunately, didn’t make much attempt at conversation with her during the car ride. Since it was so late, Marina didn’t get to experience the infamous L.A. traffic everyone complains about but at least she was able to see the well-known Downtown L.A. skyscrapers. It all seemed like a vast wasteland with fluorescent lighting. You couldn’t even really see the sky because of the smog. A black backdrop whose only purpose seemed to be to create more darkness so the fake lighting could appear brighter. Marina was mesmerized by the artificiality of the lights, she hardly noticed when the car exited onto Boyle Ave. and turned right.
The car went slightly downhill. The dim streetlights were a sharp contrast from the brightness left behind at the airport and in downtown. They passed the Inez and Hollenbeck intersection when a plain yet looming structure caught Marina’s eye. It was a wide structure with at least five floors and it sprawled atop the hill in comparison to the apartment complexes around it. It was enclosed by a green fence. She couldn’t tell what it was, if it was condemned or being remodeled. The building just gave her an eerie feeling like when she had come across an abandoned asylum during a school trip to Siena, Italy.
“There’s a parking spot right there, Mamá!”
Marina snapped back to reality.
“Ya llegamos, Marina. We got lucky with the parking. This usually doesn’t happen,” explained Sofia.
No traffic on the freeway and available parking? Not the Los Angeles Marina had imagined.
Her tía, her mother, and three cousins were the ones who regularly lived in the upstairs two-bedroom apartment at 538 S. St. Louis St. but her mother’s death had brought over some relatives from Oceanside who would be spending the night in order to make the morning mass. The light brown two-story apartment complex was small and worn down. The bars on the downstairs windows made Marina raise her eyebrows.
“Don’t worry. No one is gonna shank you at night,” Sofia teased.
“What?” Marina replied. She felt her cheeks warm in embarrassment at having being caught.
Tía Matilde opened the gate and they made their way upstairs. All three of them walked into the apartment. It was a little past midnight so Marina was surprised to see so many people waiting up for them. Two younger girls that looked like Sofia and a boy who looked to be about 9 years old sat on the worn beige sofa. Two older women and a man sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and eating pan dulce. One of the women, the one in a black button up, and the man had a likeness to Tía Matilde. “Are these my mother’s siblings?” wondered Marina.
“Miren quién llego. Nada mas y nada menos que Marina, hija de Soledad,” announced Tía Matilde.
She felt everyone’s eyes on her and didn’t know where to look herself. She was tired, nervous, and grieving. They all looked at her --half-expecting for her to say something or weep. Why did we have to do this now?
The woman who was wearing dark grey pullover sweater got up, introduced herself as Rosario, wife of Arnulfo, Marina’s uncle. She gave Marina a warm hug and said, “Marina should get some rest to be prepared for tomorrow. We shouldn’t overwhelm her.” Marina was relieved.
“I’ll show you where you will be staying, “ said Sofia. “But let me just tell you who everyone is very quickly.”
Sofia pointed to the girls who were both wearing black slacks and tops. The older one was 15 and her name was Alondra. The younger girl was 10 and her name was Teresa. The boy, who wore black jeans and a t-shirt was Esteban. He was Arnulfo and Rosario’s son. Brigida was the name of the woman in the black button up and she was the second oldest of her mother’s siblings. After Brigida it was Arnulfo and the youngest was Matilde.
They all half-smiled at her and said they were sorry for her loss. She had begun to feel happiness as she got to meet her mother’s family only to be reminded of why she was meeting them in the first place.
“Are you hungry?” asked Tío Arnulfo.
“No, I’m okay. Thank you. I’m just really tired.”
“Yes...now, let’s take you to the room” Sofia said as she helped Marina with her luggage.
They walked past the living room and down a short hall to the bedroom on the right. The bedroom was furnished with one dresser, a full bed, and a single bed. The single bed was pushed against the wall with the window while the full bed faced the opposite wall, close to the door.
“You’ll be sleeping on the smaller bed. We figured you might not feel comfortable sharing a bed.”
“Sure, no problem. I appreciate it.”
Marina made her way to the bed and began to rummage through her suitcase for a change of clothes. She noticed that the window faced the street and across the street, there was a park.
“Oh, I didn’t even notice there was a park here. Do you go there often?” she asked Sofia.
“Hollenbeck Park? Not so much. It used to be dangerous so we just aren’t used to going there. Plus, we don’t know how to swim so my mom was always worried we’d accidentally fall into the lake or something.”
“Has anyone actually drowned there?”
Sofia looked uneasy. “Maybe...I don-- I’m not really sure. Maybe.” She avoided eye contact with Marina as she said this.
“You know, I did see a big white building up the street. What is that place? It looks creepy.”
“It’s called Linda Vista Community Hospital. Or at least that’s what it used to be called. I think they are trying to fix it up for seniors. Make them into affordable apartments or some shit. Who knows how that will turn out. But at least maybe it will stop from all those Hollywood jerks from blocking the damn street to film Godknowswhat.”
“I see..”
“Sorry. It just gets annoying. These industry people come into our neighborhood, cause a disturbance, don’t give a fuck --let alone compensation-- and then leave. And we still have to live here. They get to make money off our neighborhood.”
“Why is that place so appealing?”
“They say it’s haunted because it used to be a hospital and a lot of people died --especially because of the gang violence. So they say there’s still spirits in there. Lots of crazy tourists and self-proclaimed ghost hunters show up, too. Taking pictures and trespassing. But of course they don’t get in trouble for vandalizing. The hospital closed because of lack of funding and neglect. Too many people dying and not getting the right care. Now it’s abandoned and outsiders care about the structure and make money off it. Go figure.”
Marina didn’t know what to say. She knew she never had to live under any harsh circumstances other than the wrath of her father. He might not be the most affectionate or caring but he always provided. She couldn’t imagine being afraid of the places she lived although being an army brat, she realized there really wasn’t a place for her to claim as her own the way her cousin claimed Boyle Heights.
Sofia handed her some blankets.
“Sometimes it gets cold. Just in case. Do you need anything else? I’m still going to stay up a bit and help my mom, aunts, and uncle out with some stuff...for...tomorrow.”
“Oh, I can help, too.”
“No, no, no...you rest. You’ll need it for tomorrow. Buenas noches.” Sofia closed the door behind her.
Marina set up the bed and turned off the light. It took a while for her eyes to adjust to the darkness but some dim light came through the window. She laid in bed and thought about what tomorrow would bring. She would have to say goodbye to her mother tomorrow even though she’d never really had the chance to say hello. Would she be able to handle it? Will they expect her to say something? Marina kept asking herself questions until she fell asleep.
***
Marina woke up in a sweat. Not recognizing her surroundings as she opened her eyes, she panicked and fell out of bed. The loud thud woke the people in the bed next to her and a shadow got up and turned on the light. Her Tía Matilde and Teresa stared at her.
“Are you okay, mi’ja?”
It took a while for Marina to remember that she was in Boyle Heights to attend her mother’s funeral, that the person asking her a question was her aunt, her mother’s sister, and the girl in the bed was her cousin.
“I, I, I, ...I had a bad dream. I was drowning. In the lake at the park. But I’ve never been there...and when I looked up, I could see a weeping woman in a white dress staring down at me. I thought she was crying because I was drowning but she never tried to help me.” She got up and sat on the bed.
Tía Matilde looked concerned and Teresa was flustered.
Teresa whispered, “La Llorona.”
Tía Matilde turned towards Teresa. “¡No empiezes con eso! Mi’ja, you’re right. I was just a bad dream. You are probably nervous about tomorrow. It’s okay. Do you want me to make you some canelita?”
“No...I think I will just try to get back to sleep.” She didn’t know who La Llorona or canelita was and didn’t want to ask any more questions. Clearly, they were hiding things from her but she didn’t know if it was out of pity or what. And she had to focus on making it through tomorrow.
***
It seemed like she had just closed her eyes when Marina was woken again. Teresa gently nudged her. She was already dressed in a simple long-sleeved black dress and mary janes.
“Mom said to wake you up so you could get ready. The funeral starts in two hours.”
“Okay, thank you.”
Teresa smiled softly at her and started to head for the door.
“Wait! Teresa...who or what is La Llorona?”
Teresa looked uneasy. She stared at the window, then at the door knob, and back at the window again.
“Please...who is she? Why was she in my dream?”
“I’ll tell you but please don’t tell my mom I did. Please. I’ll get in so much trouble if she finds out.”
After Marina reassured Teresa that she wouldn’t tell Tía Matilde, Teresa shared that La Llorona was the legend of a woman in Mexico who fell in love with a man but the man didn’t like the children the woman already had. Desperate not lose him, she murdered all three of her children by drowning them in the river. Realizing her mistake once it was too late, she was condemned to always search for her children. Teresa said she weeps and cries out for her children near rivers and lakes.
“If she’s a Mexican legend, what is she doing in Boyle Heights?”
“I don’t know. Please don’t tell my mom. Remember, you promised!” she said as she left.
Marina got ready. She wore black slacks, a black pullover sweater, and flats. She decided to put her hair back in a ponytail. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and told herself, “You can do this.”
***
The funeral was small and not well-attended. Besides Marina’s family, only two other women her mother and Tía Matilde knew from church showed up. Soledad. Lonely til the end.
Marina had tried as best as she could to prepare herself to see her mother in a casket but when they got to the funeral home on Evergreen Avenue, she was surprised to see an urn in the middle of the tiny room. Her Tía Matilde explained that the medical costs had not left them with much for the funeral and cremation was the most economic option. Marina burst into tears. She would never get to really say goodbye.
The funeral had been quick. The rest of the family didn’t ask Marina to say anything. They had collectively prayed the rosary, her Tía Brigida led it. The only thing Marina had liked about the funeral was the fact that they had a framed picture of her mother when she was 20 years old in the middle of the room, next to the urn. Her Tía Matilde had given it to her after the funeral.
***
After the funeral, her extended family from Oceanside hit the road. They all had to head back to avoid traffic in order to get home, rest, and be ready to work the next day. Tía Rosario gave her a hug and told her to be strong. Tía Brigida was distant and only shook her hand. She didn’t even really look her in the eye. Tío Arnulfo, who had hardly acknowledged her existence, gave her a strong hug and told her, “I know this is not the circumstance that you would like to be in to meet us but while you’re here, get to know as much as you can. Find out as much as you can. You can nev--”.
“Don’t bug her,” Tía Brigida interrupted sternly. Tío Arnulfo looked up and exchanged a somber look with Tía Brigida. He half-smiled at Marina and got in the car. Tía Brigida followed.
“Bye, Marina,” said Esteban. He gave her a quick, shy hug and ran to the car. They all waved goodbye as Marina, Tía Matilde, Sofia, Alondra, and Teresa waved back.
“Tía, what did my Tío mean by ‘find out as much as you can’? Is there something I should know?”
Tía Matilde looked slightly nervous even though she tried to hide it. “He meant that you need to know more about your mom and family. Us.” She stared at Marina for a while.
“Come on. Vamos a donde tu mamá le gustaba almorzar.”
They drove to a local diner and had lunch. It didn’t take them long to get back to Tía Matilde’s apartment but this time, they had to park nearly three blocks away. It started to feel more like Los Angeles to Marina.
When all five of them returned to the apartment, Marina went to go lie down. She opened up the blinds next to the bed and stared out the river. she was starting to fall asleep when she heard someone come into the room. It was Alondra.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just looking for…”
“Don’t worry about it. I couldn’t really fall back asleep anyway. I was worried I’d have the same dream again.”
Alondra smiled.
“I had a dream I was drowning,” explained Marina. “And then this woman in white was standing over me or above me...I mean, I could see her through the water.”
“That’s weird.”
“Yes, it is but it makes sense in a way.”
“It does? How?”
“ALOOONDRA!!!” she heard Tía Matilde cry out.
“Sorry, I have to go…” a startled Alondra said.
“No, wait...what do you mean it makes sense? What does that dream have to do with me.”
“I can’t. My mom will get mad. Sorry.” Alondra quickly left the room.
“What the fuck is going on? What the hell are these people hiding? Why isn’t anyone telling me anything concrete, dammit?!” wondered Marina. She grew frustrated because there was obviously something else going on that everyone seemed to know about except her. People kept dropping hints but no one was saying anything concrete. Why all this damn teasing?
Marina didn’t remember falling asleep but when she woke, she could see the sky had darkened. Her thoughts were interrupted when Sofia walked into the room.
“Hey, let’s go for a ride.”
“Where to?”
“Anywhere...let’s go to the Observatory so you can really see L.A.” Sofia’s voice had a sarcastic tone to it.
The girls walked into the living room where Tía Matilde was praying.
“Ahorita regresamos, Mom. Voy a llevar a Marina al Observatory.”
Tía Matilde looked up. “Sí, esta bien. She needs a distraction.” She smiled.
***
The ride from Boyle Heights to the Griffith Observatory wasn’t too bad. However, once they began to drive up the hill, they were greeted by rows and rows of cars and people. Sofia found a parking spot uphill and they both got out. Marina was surprised by the number of families that were out and about, toting cameras and binoculars, and enjoying themselves. They just seemed happy to be alive. Marina wondered what that felt like.
“Pinche tourists.” Marina turned around. Sofia was glaring at nearly everyone.
“Is it tourist season?” asked Marina.
“Every season is tourist season in California. That’s why it makes it hard to distinguish who is not a tourist. C’mon, let’s go this way.”
Sofia and Marina walked off to the side, towards the left and away from the Observatory. There was a trail going uphill.
“Let’s go this way. It’ll be less crowded and you’ll get a better view.”
The cousins walked uphill. “Berlin Forest” read a sign. It became harder to see where they were going but Sofia took out her iPhone and used it as a flashlight. They slowly made their way up without saying a word to each other. Not because they didn’t have anything to say but because they were already running out of breath.
The reached a higher elevation.
“Okay...this...this...is...good...enough” sighed Sofia.
Marina turned and looked down. Los Angeles was such a sprawling city full of light. It was so large. Marina had definitely had her share of large cities but none that seemed to be as spread out as Los Angeles. She looked up at the night sky. All she could see was the moon and maybe two stars. The rest were large clusters of smog. Gross.
“Pretty cool, huh?”
“Yeah...too bad there’s so much pollution.”
“Don’t be so critical! It’s part of this city’s charm,” winked Sofia.
“Look,” Sofia pointed in the distance. “That’s where there was once a man wh--”
“Sofia, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Why do I feel like everyone’s hiding something from me? What’s going on? What does my dream have to do with it? Is it related to my mom?”
Sofia stayed quiet for a long time. For a moment, Marina felt like they had been frozen in time. Neither one moved or said anything. After twenty minutes, Sofia broke the silence.
“My mom and Tía Brigida say it’s best for you not to know.”
Marina scoffed. “Know what?”
“Things about your mom.”
“What about my mom?”
Marina was beginning to lose her patience. She felt like her mother’s family had only reached out to her to lead her on this mind game. She didn’t appreciate it.
“Listen, I know this may be hard...but...if I share anything with you...you have to promise you won’t tell my mom you heard it from me.”
“Great, you, too. What was so bad that everyone felt to keep hidden? And why did Tía Matilde have such a strong say in the matter?” thought Marina.
“Your mom actually died from suicide. She was very depressed. She had disappeared for a while. Almost six months. She’d been staying at the Barclay Hotel near Skid Row. My mom saw her and followed her to the hotel and made her come back. Whatever it was, it was too much for her and so one night, while we all slept, Tía Soledad managed to get out of the room and the apartment. She walked to Linda Vista and wrote ‘You took everything from me’ in the dirt and then walked over to Hollenbeck Park and into the lake. She didn’t know how to swim so she drowned.”
To say that Marina was stunned was an understatement. Thoughts spinned around in her head. She grew pale. She felt faint and wanted to throw up. Tears finally streamed down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry” said Sofia as she tried to hug Marina but Marina only pushed her away.
“Why does everyone keep lying to me?!” she sobbed. She fell onto her knees and started hitting the ground. The few people around the area who had been staring up into the sky began to look and whisper at the spectacle. Sofia felt embarrassed. She tried to pull up Marina.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I really am! But my mom and my tía, you know...it’s just...I wanted to tell you earlier but …”
Marina continued her sobbing.
“Hey, listen...why don’t we go to the car to talk. Please? This isn’t exactly the best place to talk about this…”
Marina ignored her. Finally, a park ranger approached them and asked if everything was alright.
“Yes, she’ll be fine. She just received some horrible news.”
Marina’s crying grew louder.
“Miss, are you okay?” asked the ranger.
“No, no, no, no, no. NO! NO I’M NOT OKAY!!!” Marina screamed at him.
***
Marina’s reaction to her mother’s suicide caused a scene and the ranger called the police. The police escorted them out of the Observatory and followed them all the way back to Boyle Heights. Sofia was furious.
Once they got to the apartment, it was nearly 1 in the morning.
“Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick over you two! I can’t beli--” Tía Matilde stopped mid-sentence as soon as she saw the officers.
They told her what had happened. She could only glare at Sofia. After reassuring the officers that she would take care of everything, they left.
“SOFIA!!! I CANNOT believe you would go ahead and disobey me about this! Your Tía Brigida and I were very explicit about this!” she hissed.
“What about ME? Why are you keeping this information away from me?” cried out Marina.
“Mi’ja...I don’t...I’m sorry. We figured you’d already be upset over your mother’s death. There was no reason to add to all those negative feelings.” She tried to hug Marina but Marina resisted.
“Answer me one question: why was my mother depressed?”
Silence.
“We don’t know mi’ja. She was never the same after the divorce. She really missed you and your brother.”
“Bullshit. If she missed us, why did she not fight for us? Why didn’t she want part-time custody at least?”
“She didn’t have the means to. Your father threatened that if she wanted to see you, he would not offer any monetary support for you both, regardless of what the courts decided. Your father is a very powerful man, mi’jita. Your mother loved you so much that she prefered to renounce every seeing you or your brother again so you could have a comfortable life filled with opportunity.”
The answer did not satisfy Marina.
“Why did my mother run away? What was she doing at the Barclay Hotel or whatever that place is called?”
“We don’t know. One day after she had her gynecologist appointment, she ran away. I reported her to the police but you know how that goes in this neck of the woods. I was in the downtown area when I saw her walking. I immediately got off the bus and followed her. I ended up following her all the way to the Barclay Hotel where she was staying at. She put up a fight and didn’t want to come back. We struggled.”
“Did she tell you why she picked that place? What she was doing there?”
“No...we tried to question the clerk but all he said was that she was good because had paid for her room until the end of the month. We went to collect her things last week but we haven’t had time to look at them.”
She took out a box from the hallway closet. It was filled with papers. A lot of them.
“Maybe it’s best if you wait until tomorrow to look through them. Get some rest, mi’ja. You’ve been through a lot.”
“No, I need to know NOW.”
Tía Matilde didn’t argue. She sighed and looked at Marina. “Disculpame, mi’jita.” Tears were welling up in her eyes and she just walked away to her room. Surprisingly, all the ruckus had not woken Aurora or Teresa up but Sofia remained in the living room with Marina.
“I need to know NOW” repeated Marina. She dumped all the contents on the floor.
“Let me help you” said Sofia.
A few minutes into their rummaging, Marina found some paperwork from Soledad’s last gynecologist visit. She went in for a pap smear and under notes it said, “Hysterectomy 06/1995, Linda Vista Community Hospital”. “Mom had a hysterectomy when Hernan and I were born? Why?”
“Oh, shit…” whispered Sofia.
***
Marina had trouble sleeping that night. Once again, she had a dream she was drowning and La Llorona continued to cry but did not help her. Marina was afraid to go to sleep again. She got up quietly and went to the living room. She sat on the couch and noticed the Soledad’s box on the kitchen table, right where she and Sofia had left it. Figuring that she probably wouldn’t be able to sleep at all, she began to look through the files again in hopes of piecing more clues.
Beneath some prayer cards and a worn notebook, she found some yellowing sheets of paper. It was the discharge form from Linda Vista! The form listed the procedures done to birth Marina and Hernan. The paperwork was signed by their father. Attached to the form was a smaller piece of paper. On it, it stated that Soledad had undergone a hysterectomy procedure. It was authorized, once again, by Marina’s father. However, the “medical reason” listed caught Marina’s eye. It read, “emotionally unfit”. “Does this mean my mother had a history of mental illness? Was she experiencing some sort of postpartum depression?” Marina asked herself. She needed to know.
Marina looked at the clock and saw it was 4:35 a.m. That meant it was 1:35 p.m. in Barcelona. Her dad sometimes went home for lunch...she decided to call her dad’s house from her cellphone.
The brrrrrrrrr on the line kept going. Brrrrrrrrr. Brrrrrrrrr. Nothing. Marina got the answering machine. She dialed again. Brrrrrrrrr. Brrrrrrrrr. The machine answered again and Marina decided to leave a message. She figured it’d be better for her father to know why she was calling. At least that way, Marina thought, he would know I meant business in case he was trying to hide something, too.
“Hi dad...I really need to talk to you. It’s important. It has to do with mom. I found some paperwork and it says she got a hysterectomy the day Hernan and I were born under your authorization. Why was she diagnosed as ‘emotionally unfit’? Please call me back. Please. We really need to talk. I’m not mad, I just wan--” her voice broke. “I just want some answers. Please. Dad...please call back.” She ended the call and sighed heavily.
Maybe she shouldn’t have left a voicemail. Maybe it would have been better to confront him in person. Marina was on her way back to the couch when she saw her phone light up. She rushed to where she left on the kitchen table. The caller ID said it was her father’s house calling. She inhaled deeply and answered, “Hello?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” It was Hernan. He was supposed to be on holiday with friends.
“Hernan? What are you saying? Why are you calling me?”
“I heard the message you left on the machine. Are you being serious?”
“Yes, I have the official paperwork that states all I mentioned. I just don’t know why it happened.”
“My dad had told me Soledad had gotten a hysterectomy. But that it was because she was selfish. Because she didn’t want us or him.”
“You knew?!?!?” Marina cried out. “Why am I the only one who is continuously kept in the dark?” she asked herself.
“Of course, I knew. My dad always reminded me. That’s why I stopped asked about her. She clearly didn’t want to have anything to do with us.”
“No, no, no...listen. Didn’t you listen to my message? The official medical reason is that she was emotionally unfit! And mom wasn’t the one who signed it...it was dad! What if she didn’t even know?!”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“Then why did you call me? If what I’m saying is so ridiculous, why did you return my call to ask me if what I was claiming was true? YOU know how dad can be. Does it really surprise you that he would pull some shit like this?”
Marina heard some noise on the other line.
“Hold on, father’s home. I’m going to put you on speaker.”
“Hello Hernan” Marina heard her father’s voice. It had been some time since she'd talk to him. She had forgotten how much he and Hernan sounded like each other.
“Hello dad. Listen, why did you authorize Soledad’s hysterectomy? Why was she emotionally unfit at the time?”
“Where did you hear that? That’s nonsense! How dare you--”
“Answer the question, dad” Marina said.
“She’s on speaker phone,” Hernan informed him.
“Yes, yes, I authorized the hysterectomy and had a psychiatrist friend deem her emotionally unfit. So what? That bitch was about to leave me and take you with her! How dare she--”
Marina heard a crash, grunting, and a manic scream.
“Hello? Hello? What’s going on?”
“What should have happened a long time ago” said a male voice but she couldn’t tell if it was Hernan or her father.
Then, the line went dead.
THE END
Is this really happening? Am I really here?
“Passport”
Why now? Why this way?
“PASSPORT!”
The customs agent’s exasperated voice jolted Marina back into reality.
“Passport? Yes, I have it…somewhere around here. I could’ve sworn I…”
Marina searched the inside pocket of her grey peacoat then proceeded to look into her tote bag. The customs agent rolled his eyes and began tapping his foot. He was a white husky man in his late 40s with a receding hairline. Unfortunately for him, the strawberry blonde hair that refused to grow on his head had come full force in his mustache.
“Found it!” Marina exclaimed as she handed over her passport to the disgruntled agent.
It was 11 p.m. and Marina could tell he was tired and fed up. He flipped through the passport and handed it back to her. Marina made her way through the airport with her brown vintage suitcase in tow and found the exit. She was supposed to wait for her cousin Sofia along the arrivals curb but how would she know who Sofia was? And how would Sofia know what Marina looked like? They hadn’t seen each other since they were both two years old.
The night was cool but not freezing. The grey peacoat was causing Marina to feel much warmer than necessary. Even for a Southern California night.
“Marina!”
She turned towards the direction of the voice. A dark blue Camry pulled up closer to where she was standing. The female driver parked the car while a younger woman on the passenger’s side got out. She ran to Marina and hugged her.
“¿Como estas? ¿Tienes mucho tiempo esperandonos?”
Marina did not what to make of it all. She guessed that this person must be family, otherwise, how would she know Marina’s name? But why was she so touchy with her? And didn’t her family know that Marina’s Spanish language skills were non-existent?
“Umm…no español,” Marina said.
“¡ Mira no mas!” the young woman said. “I forget that you are more pocha than me. You look so confused! Pobre. I’m Sofia, your cousin. My mom pointed you out. You look so much like your mom. That’s why we recognized you.”
“Okay, thank you.”
It was a lot for Marina. She figured that she did not have much of a choice but to get in the car with these two women who claimed to be related to her. Sofia took her suitcase and put it in the trunk of the car as Marina got into the backseat.
“¡Que gusto de verte m’ija!” said the woman behind the driver’s wheel. “I know you don’t know Spanish but that’s the language I like to express my cariño in. I don’t know if you remember me. You were so little when you left. I’m your Tia Matilde.” She smiled at Marina through the rearview mirror.
Sofia got into the car. “¡Lista!”
Tia Matilde put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. Thoughts were racing in Marina’s head. It all seemed so surreal. LAX was such a huge airport. She hadn’t been in Los Angeles since she was two. Now, 17 years later, she is in a car with her aunt and cousin, driving across the city to her mother’s family’s home in Boyle Heights. Only her mother would not be there. At least not really. She’d been dead for a little over a week now. All because of a uterine infection that took a turn for the worst and lack of medical insurance. Marina’s mother had not kept in touch with Marina, her twin brother Hernan, or her father. Apparently, her mother had divorced her children, too, --not just her husband. There were many times Marina wished she could have talked to her mother. So many overwhelming questions and feelings that no one else could have understood. Her father never brought up her mother and even Hernan did not care enough to probe into the family history. But Marina, on the other hand, longed for a motherly connection. Marina didn’t resent her mother but was hurt by the fact that she did not seem to care enough about what happened to her children. How can you just decide to get up and leave one day? Sever all ties? Did mother think of us as she took her final breaths?
***
Marina was exhausted from the long flight. The 15 hour flight from Barcelona was draining and the fact that she had to endure such a long, claustrophobic to be prepared to meet her family and attend her mother’s funeral didn’t help. Her father was angry with Marina for insisting on attending the funeral and if he had had his way, neither Marina nor Hernan would have ever known of their mother’s passing. Fortunately for Marina, she had been home the day her Tía Matilde called and answered the international call. When her father got home from the army base, Marina shared the news. Her father did not show any reaction. He simply looked at Marina and went to his office to take care of his paperwork. She told Hernan later that night as well and he replied, “Serves her right.” Marina was shocked. She knew Hernan hated their mother but would have never guessed that he would actually rejoice in her death. Marina often wondered how much of her father’s influence resulted in Hernan’s animosity towards their mother…
Tía Matilde and Sofia could tell Marina had a long day and fortunately, didn’t make much attempt at conversation with her during the car ride. Since it was so late, Marina didn’t get to experience the infamous L.A. traffic everyone complains about but at least she was able to see the well-known Downtown L.A. skyscrapers. It all seemed like a vast wasteland with fluorescent lighting. You couldn’t even really see the sky because of the smog. A black backdrop whose only purpose seemed to be to create more darkness so the fake lighting could appear brighter. Marina was mesmerized by the artificiality of the lights, she hardly noticed when the car exited onto Boyle Ave. and turned right.
The car went slightly downhill. The dim streetlights were a sharp contrast from the brightness left behind at the airport and in downtown. They passed the Inez and Hollenbeck intersection when a plain yet looming structure caught Marina’s eye. It was a wide structure with at least five floors and it sprawled atop the hill in comparison to the apartment complexes around it. It was enclosed by a green fence. She couldn’t tell what it was, if it was condemned or being remodeled. The building just gave her an eerie feeling like when she had come across an abandoned asylum during a school trip to Siena, Italy.
“There’s a parking spot right there, Mamá!”
Marina snapped back to reality.
“Ya llegamos, Marina. We got lucky with the parking. This usually doesn’t happen,” explained Sofia.
No traffic on the freeway and available parking? Not the Los Angeles Marina had imagined.
Her tía, her mother, and three cousins were the ones who regularly lived in the upstairs two-bedroom apartment at 538 S. St. Louis St. but her mother’s death had brought over some relatives from Oceanside who would be spending the night in order to make the morning mass. The light brown two-story apartment complex was small and worn down. The bars on the downstairs windows made Marina raise her eyebrows.
“Don’t worry. No one is gonna shank you at night,” Sofia teased.
“What?” Marina replied. She felt her cheeks warm in embarrassment at having being caught.
Tía Matilde opened the gate and they made their way upstairs. All three of them walked into the apartment. It was a little past midnight so Marina was surprised to see so many people waiting up for them. Two younger girls that looked like Sofia and a boy who looked to be about 9 years old sat on the worn beige sofa. Two older women and a man sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and eating pan dulce. One of the women, the one in a black button up, and the man had a likeness to Tía Matilde. “Are these my mother’s siblings?” wondered Marina.
“Miren quién llego. Nada mas y nada menos que Marina, hija de Soledad,” announced Tía Matilde.
She felt everyone’s eyes on her and didn’t know where to look herself. She was tired, nervous, and grieving. They all looked at her --half-expecting for her to say something or weep. Why did we have to do this now?
The woman who was wearing dark grey pullover sweater got up, introduced herself as Rosario, wife of Arnulfo, Marina’s uncle. She gave Marina a warm hug and said, “Marina should get some rest to be prepared for tomorrow. We shouldn’t overwhelm her.” Marina was relieved.
“I’ll show you where you will be staying, “ said Sofia. “But let me just tell you who everyone is very quickly.”
Sofia pointed to the girls who were both wearing black slacks and tops. The older one was 15 and her name was Alondra. The younger girl was 10 and her name was Teresa. The boy, who wore black jeans and a t-shirt was Esteban. He was Arnulfo and Rosario’s son. Brigida was the name of the woman in the black button up and she was the second oldest of her mother’s siblings. After Brigida it was Arnulfo and the youngest was Matilde.
They all half-smiled at her and said they were sorry for her loss. She had begun to feel happiness as she got to meet her mother’s family only to be reminded of why she was meeting them in the first place.
“Are you hungry?” asked Tío Arnulfo.
“No, I’m okay. Thank you. I’m just really tired.”
“Yes...now, let’s take you to the room” Sofia said as she helped Marina with her luggage.
They walked past the living room and down a short hall to the bedroom on the right. The bedroom was furnished with one dresser, a full bed, and a single bed. The single bed was pushed against the wall with the window while the full bed faced the opposite wall, close to the door.
“You’ll be sleeping on the smaller bed. We figured you might not feel comfortable sharing a bed.”
“Sure, no problem. I appreciate it.”
Marina made her way to the bed and began to rummage through her suitcase for a change of clothes. She noticed that the window faced the street and across the street, there was a park.
“Oh, I didn’t even notice there was a park here. Do you go there often?” she asked Sofia.
“Hollenbeck Park? Not so much. It used to be dangerous so we just aren’t used to going there. Plus, we don’t know how to swim so my mom was always worried we’d accidentally fall into the lake or something.”
“Has anyone actually drowned there?”
Sofia looked uneasy. “Maybe...I don-- I’m not really sure. Maybe.” She avoided eye contact with Marina as she said this.
“You know, I did see a big white building up the street. What is that place? It looks creepy.”
“It’s called Linda Vista Community Hospital. Or at least that’s what it used to be called. I think they are trying to fix it up for seniors. Make them into affordable apartments or some shit. Who knows how that will turn out. But at least maybe it will stop from all those Hollywood jerks from blocking the damn street to film Godknowswhat.”
“I see..”
“Sorry. It just gets annoying. These industry people come into our neighborhood, cause a disturbance, don’t give a fuck --let alone compensation-- and then leave. And we still have to live here. They get to make money off our neighborhood.”
“Why is that place so appealing?”
“They say it’s haunted because it used to be a hospital and a lot of people died --especially because of the gang violence. So they say there’s still spirits in there. Lots of crazy tourists and self-proclaimed ghost hunters show up, too. Taking pictures and trespassing. But of course they don’t get in trouble for vandalizing. The hospital closed because of lack of funding and neglect. Too many people dying and not getting the right care. Now it’s abandoned and outsiders care about the structure and make money off it. Go figure.”
Marina didn’t know what to say. She knew she never had to live under any harsh circumstances other than the wrath of her father. He might not be the most affectionate or caring but he always provided. She couldn’t imagine being afraid of the places she lived although being an army brat, she realized there really wasn’t a place for her to claim as her own the way her cousin claimed Boyle Heights.
Sofia handed her some blankets.
“Sometimes it gets cold. Just in case. Do you need anything else? I’m still going to stay up a bit and help my mom, aunts, and uncle out with some stuff...for...tomorrow.”
“Oh, I can help, too.”
“No, no, no...you rest. You’ll need it for tomorrow. Buenas noches.” Sofia closed the door behind her.
Marina set up the bed and turned off the light. It took a while for her eyes to adjust to the darkness but some dim light came through the window. She laid in bed and thought about what tomorrow would bring. She would have to say goodbye to her mother tomorrow even though she’d never really had the chance to say hello. Would she be able to handle it? Will they expect her to say something? Marina kept asking herself questions until she fell asleep.
***
Marina woke up in a sweat. Not recognizing her surroundings as she opened her eyes, she panicked and fell out of bed. The loud thud woke the people in the bed next to her and a shadow got up and turned on the light. Her Tía Matilde and Teresa stared at her.
“Are you okay, mi’ja?”
It took a while for Marina to remember that she was in Boyle Heights to attend her mother’s funeral, that the person asking her a question was her aunt, her mother’s sister, and the girl in the bed was her cousin.
“I, I, I, ...I had a bad dream. I was drowning. In the lake at the park. But I’ve never been there...and when I looked up, I could see a weeping woman in a white dress staring down at me. I thought she was crying because I was drowning but she never tried to help me.” She got up and sat on the bed.
Tía Matilde looked concerned and Teresa was flustered.
Teresa whispered, “La Llorona.”
Tía Matilde turned towards Teresa. “¡No empiezes con eso! Mi’ja, you’re right. I was just a bad dream. You are probably nervous about tomorrow. It’s okay. Do you want me to make you some canelita?”
“No...I think I will just try to get back to sleep.” She didn’t know who La Llorona or canelita was and didn’t want to ask any more questions. Clearly, they were hiding things from her but she didn’t know if it was out of pity or what. And she had to focus on making it through tomorrow.
***
It seemed like she had just closed her eyes when Marina was woken again. Teresa gently nudged her. She was already dressed in a simple long-sleeved black dress and mary janes.
“Mom said to wake you up so you could get ready. The funeral starts in two hours.”
“Okay, thank you.”
Teresa smiled softly at her and started to head for the door.
“Wait! Teresa...who or what is La Llorona?”
Teresa looked uneasy. She stared at the window, then at the door knob, and back at the window again.
“Please...who is she? Why was she in my dream?”
“I’ll tell you but please don’t tell my mom I did. Please. I’ll get in so much trouble if she finds out.”
After Marina reassured Teresa that she wouldn’t tell Tía Matilde, Teresa shared that La Llorona was the legend of a woman in Mexico who fell in love with a man but the man didn’t like the children the woman already had. Desperate not lose him, she murdered all three of her children by drowning them in the river. Realizing her mistake once it was too late, she was condemned to always search for her children. Teresa said she weeps and cries out for her children near rivers and lakes.
“If she’s a Mexican legend, what is she doing in Boyle Heights?”
“I don’t know. Please don’t tell my mom. Remember, you promised!” she said as she left.
Marina got ready. She wore black slacks, a black pullover sweater, and flats. She decided to put her hair back in a ponytail. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and told herself, “You can do this.”
***
The funeral was small and not well-attended. Besides Marina’s family, only two other women her mother and Tía Matilde knew from church showed up. Soledad. Lonely til the end.
Marina had tried as best as she could to prepare herself to see her mother in a casket but when they got to the funeral home on Evergreen Avenue, she was surprised to see an urn in the middle of the tiny room. Her Tía Matilde explained that the medical costs had not left them with much for the funeral and cremation was the most economic option. Marina burst into tears. She would never get to really say goodbye.
The funeral had been quick. The rest of the family didn’t ask Marina to say anything. They had collectively prayed the rosary, her Tía Brigida led it. The only thing Marina had liked about the funeral was the fact that they had a framed picture of her mother when she was 20 years old in the middle of the room, next to the urn. Her Tía Matilde had given it to her after the funeral.
***
After the funeral, her extended family from Oceanside hit the road. They all had to head back to avoid traffic in order to get home, rest, and be ready to work the next day. Tía Rosario gave her a hug and told her to be strong. Tía Brigida was distant and only shook her hand. She didn’t even really look her in the eye. Tío Arnulfo, who had hardly acknowledged her existence, gave her a strong hug and told her, “I know this is not the circumstance that you would like to be in to meet us but while you’re here, get to know as much as you can. Find out as much as you can. You can nev--”.
“Don’t bug her,” Tía Brigida interrupted sternly. Tío Arnulfo looked up and exchanged a somber look with Tía Brigida. He half-smiled at Marina and got in the car. Tía Brigida followed.
“Bye, Marina,” said Esteban. He gave her a quick, shy hug and ran to the car. They all waved goodbye as Marina, Tía Matilde, Sofia, Alondra, and Teresa waved back.
“Tía, what did my Tío mean by ‘find out as much as you can’? Is there something I should know?”
Tía Matilde looked slightly nervous even though she tried to hide it. “He meant that you need to know more about your mom and family. Us.” She stared at Marina for a while.
“Come on. Vamos a donde tu mamá le gustaba almorzar.”
They drove to a local diner and had lunch. It didn’t take them long to get back to Tía Matilde’s apartment but this time, they had to park nearly three blocks away. It started to feel more like Los Angeles to Marina.
When all five of them returned to the apartment, Marina went to go lie down. She opened up the blinds next to the bed and stared out the river. she was starting to fall asleep when she heard someone come into the room. It was Alondra.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just looking for…”
“Don’t worry about it. I couldn’t really fall back asleep anyway. I was worried I’d have the same dream again.”
Alondra smiled.
“I had a dream I was drowning,” explained Marina. “And then this woman in white was standing over me or above me...I mean, I could see her through the water.”
“That’s weird.”
“Yes, it is but it makes sense in a way.”
“It does? How?”
“ALOOONDRA!!!” she heard Tía Matilde cry out.
“Sorry, I have to go…” a startled Alondra said.
“No, wait...what do you mean it makes sense? What does that dream have to do with me.”
“I can’t. My mom will get mad. Sorry.” Alondra quickly left the room.
“What the fuck is going on? What the hell are these people hiding? Why isn’t anyone telling me anything concrete, dammit?!” wondered Marina. She grew frustrated because there was obviously something else going on that everyone seemed to know about except her. People kept dropping hints but no one was saying anything concrete. Why all this damn teasing?
Marina didn’t remember falling asleep but when she woke, she could see the sky had darkened. Her thoughts were interrupted when Sofia walked into the room.
“Hey, let’s go for a ride.”
“Where to?”
“Anywhere...let’s go to the Observatory so you can really see L.A.” Sofia’s voice had a sarcastic tone to it.
The girls walked into the living room where Tía Matilde was praying.
“Ahorita regresamos, Mom. Voy a llevar a Marina al Observatory.”
Tía Matilde looked up. “Sí, esta bien. She needs a distraction.” She smiled.
***
The ride from Boyle Heights to the Griffith Observatory wasn’t too bad. However, once they began to drive up the hill, they were greeted by rows and rows of cars and people. Sofia found a parking spot uphill and they both got out. Marina was surprised by the number of families that were out and about, toting cameras and binoculars, and enjoying themselves. They just seemed happy to be alive. Marina wondered what that felt like.
“Pinche tourists.” Marina turned around. Sofia was glaring at nearly everyone.
“Is it tourist season?” asked Marina.
“Every season is tourist season in California. That’s why it makes it hard to distinguish who is not a tourist. C’mon, let’s go this way.”
Sofia and Marina walked off to the side, towards the left and away from the Observatory. There was a trail going uphill.
“Let’s go this way. It’ll be less crowded and you’ll get a better view.”
The cousins walked uphill. “Berlin Forest” read a sign. It became harder to see where they were going but Sofia took out her iPhone and used it as a flashlight. They slowly made their way up without saying a word to each other. Not because they didn’t have anything to say but because they were already running out of breath.
The reached a higher elevation.
“Okay...this...this...is...good...enough” sighed Sofia.
Marina turned and looked down. Los Angeles was such a sprawling city full of light. It was so large. Marina had definitely had her share of large cities but none that seemed to be as spread out as Los Angeles. She looked up at the night sky. All she could see was the moon and maybe two stars. The rest were large clusters of smog. Gross.
“Pretty cool, huh?”
“Yeah...too bad there’s so much pollution.”
“Don’t be so critical! It’s part of this city’s charm,” winked Sofia.
“Look,” Sofia pointed in the distance. “That’s where there was once a man wh--”
“Sofia, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Why do I feel like everyone’s hiding something from me? What’s going on? What does my dream have to do with it? Is it related to my mom?”
Sofia stayed quiet for a long time. For a moment, Marina felt like they had been frozen in time. Neither one moved or said anything. After twenty minutes, Sofia broke the silence.
“My mom and Tía Brigida say it’s best for you not to know.”
Marina scoffed. “Know what?”
“Things about your mom.”
“What about my mom?”
Marina was beginning to lose her patience. She felt like her mother’s family had only reached out to her to lead her on this mind game. She didn’t appreciate it.
“Listen, I know this may be hard...but...if I share anything with you...you have to promise you won’t tell my mom you heard it from me.”
“Great, you, too. What was so bad that everyone felt to keep hidden? And why did Tía Matilde have such a strong say in the matter?” thought Marina.
“Your mom actually died from suicide. She was very depressed. She had disappeared for a while. Almost six months. She’d been staying at the Barclay Hotel near Skid Row. My mom saw her and followed her to the hotel and made her come back. Whatever it was, it was too much for her and so one night, while we all slept, Tía Soledad managed to get out of the room and the apartment. She walked to Linda Vista and wrote ‘You took everything from me’ in the dirt and then walked over to Hollenbeck Park and into the lake. She didn’t know how to swim so she drowned.”
To say that Marina was stunned was an understatement. Thoughts spinned around in her head. She grew pale. She felt faint and wanted to throw up. Tears finally streamed down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry” said Sofia as she tried to hug Marina but Marina only pushed her away.
“Why does everyone keep lying to me?!” she sobbed. She fell onto her knees and started hitting the ground. The few people around the area who had been staring up into the sky began to look and whisper at the spectacle. Sofia felt embarrassed. She tried to pull up Marina.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I really am! But my mom and my tía, you know...it’s just...I wanted to tell you earlier but …”
Marina continued her sobbing.
“Hey, listen...why don’t we go to the car to talk. Please? This isn’t exactly the best place to talk about this…”
Marina ignored her. Finally, a park ranger approached them and asked if everything was alright.
“Yes, she’ll be fine. She just received some horrible news.”
Marina’s crying grew louder.
“Miss, are you okay?” asked the ranger.
“No, no, no, no, no. NO! NO I’M NOT OKAY!!!” Marina screamed at him.
***
Marina’s reaction to her mother’s suicide caused a scene and the ranger called the police. The police escorted them out of the Observatory and followed them all the way back to Boyle Heights. Sofia was furious.
Once they got to the apartment, it was nearly 1 in the morning.
“Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick over you two! I can’t beli--” Tía Matilde stopped mid-sentence as soon as she saw the officers.
They told her what had happened. She could only glare at Sofia. After reassuring the officers that she would take care of everything, they left.
“SOFIA!!! I CANNOT believe you would go ahead and disobey me about this! Your Tía Brigida and I were very explicit about this!” she hissed.
“What about ME? Why are you keeping this information away from me?” cried out Marina.
“Mi’ja...I don’t...I’m sorry. We figured you’d already be upset over your mother’s death. There was no reason to add to all those negative feelings.” She tried to hug Marina but Marina resisted.
“Answer me one question: why was my mother depressed?”
Silence.
“We don’t know mi’ja. She was never the same after the divorce. She really missed you and your brother.”
“Bullshit. If she missed us, why did she not fight for us? Why didn’t she want part-time custody at least?”
“She didn’t have the means to. Your father threatened that if she wanted to see you, he would not offer any monetary support for you both, regardless of what the courts decided. Your father is a very powerful man, mi’jita. Your mother loved you so much that she prefered to renounce every seeing you or your brother again so you could have a comfortable life filled with opportunity.”
The answer did not satisfy Marina.
“Why did my mother run away? What was she doing at the Barclay Hotel or whatever that place is called?”
“We don’t know. One day after she had her gynecologist appointment, she ran away. I reported her to the police but you know how that goes in this neck of the woods. I was in the downtown area when I saw her walking. I immediately got off the bus and followed her. I ended up following her all the way to the Barclay Hotel where she was staying at. She put up a fight and didn’t want to come back. We struggled.”
“Did she tell you why she picked that place? What she was doing there?”
“No...we tried to question the clerk but all he said was that she was good because had paid for her room until the end of the month. We went to collect her things last week but we haven’t had time to look at them.”
She took out a box from the hallway closet. It was filled with papers. A lot of them.
“Maybe it’s best if you wait until tomorrow to look through them. Get some rest, mi’ja. You’ve been through a lot.”
“No, I need to know NOW.”
Tía Matilde didn’t argue. She sighed and looked at Marina. “Disculpame, mi’jita.” Tears were welling up in her eyes and she just walked away to her room. Surprisingly, all the ruckus had not woken Aurora or Teresa up but Sofia remained in the living room with Marina.
“I need to know NOW” repeated Marina. She dumped all the contents on the floor.
“Let me help you” said Sofia.
A few minutes into their rummaging, Marina found some paperwork from Soledad’s last gynecologist visit. She went in for a pap smear and under notes it said, “Hysterectomy 06/1995, Linda Vista Community Hospital”. “Mom had a hysterectomy when Hernan and I were born? Why?”
“Oh, shit…” whispered Sofia.
***
Marina had trouble sleeping that night. Once again, she had a dream she was drowning and La Llorona continued to cry but did not help her. Marina was afraid to go to sleep again. She got up quietly and went to the living room. She sat on the couch and noticed the Soledad’s box on the kitchen table, right where she and Sofia had left it. Figuring that she probably wouldn’t be able to sleep at all, she began to look through the files again in hopes of piecing more clues.
Beneath some prayer cards and a worn notebook, she found some yellowing sheets of paper. It was the discharge form from Linda Vista! The form listed the procedures done to birth Marina and Hernan. The paperwork was signed by their father. Attached to the form was a smaller piece of paper. On it, it stated that Soledad had undergone a hysterectomy procedure. It was authorized, once again, by Marina’s father. However, the “medical reason” listed caught Marina’s eye. It read, “emotionally unfit”. “Does this mean my mother had a history of mental illness? Was she experiencing some sort of postpartum depression?” Marina asked herself. She needed to know.
Marina looked at the clock and saw it was 4:35 a.m. That meant it was 1:35 p.m. in Barcelona. Her dad sometimes went home for lunch...she decided to call her dad’s house from her cellphone.
The brrrrrrrrr on the line kept going. Brrrrrrrrr. Brrrrrrrrr. Nothing. Marina got the answering machine. She dialed again. Brrrrrrrrr. Brrrrrrrrr. The machine answered again and Marina decided to leave a message. She figured it’d be better for her father to know why she was calling. At least that way, Marina thought, he would know I meant business in case he was trying to hide something, too.
“Hi dad...I really need to talk to you. It’s important. It has to do with mom. I found some paperwork and it says she got a hysterectomy the day Hernan and I were born under your authorization. Why was she diagnosed as ‘emotionally unfit’? Please call me back. Please. We really need to talk. I’m not mad, I just wan--” her voice broke. “I just want some answers. Please. Dad...please call back.” She ended the call and sighed heavily.
Maybe she shouldn’t have left a voicemail. Maybe it would have been better to confront him in person. Marina was on her way back to the couch when she saw her phone light up. She rushed to where she left on the kitchen table. The caller ID said it was her father’s house calling. She inhaled deeply and answered, “Hello?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” It was Hernan. He was supposed to be on holiday with friends.
“Hernan? What are you saying? Why are you calling me?”
“I heard the message you left on the machine. Are you being serious?”
“Yes, I have the official paperwork that states all I mentioned. I just don’t know why it happened.”
“My dad had told me Soledad had gotten a hysterectomy. But that it was because she was selfish. Because she didn’t want us or him.”
“You knew?!?!?” Marina cried out. “Why am I the only one who is continuously kept in the dark?” she asked herself.
“Of course, I knew. My dad always reminded me. That’s why I stopped asked about her. She clearly didn’t want to have anything to do with us.”
“No, no, no...listen. Didn’t you listen to my message? The official medical reason is that she was emotionally unfit! And mom wasn’t the one who signed it...it was dad! What if she didn’t even know?!”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“Then why did you call me? If what I’m saying is so ridiculous, why did you return my call to ask me if what I was claiming was true? YOU know how dad can be. Does it really surprise you that he would pull some shit like this?”
Marina heard some noise on the other line.
“Hold on, father’s home. I’m going to put you on speaker.”
“Hello Hernan” Marina heard her father’s voice. It had been some time since she'd talk to him. She had forgotten how much he and Hernan sounded like each other.
“Hello dad. Listen, why did you authorize Soledad’s hysterectomy? Why was she emotionally unfit at the time?”
“Where did you hear that? That’s nonsense! How dare you--”
“Answer the question, dad” Marina said.
“She’s on speaker phone,” Hernan informed him.
“Yes, yes, I authorized the hysterectomy and had a psychiatrist friend deem her emotionally unfit. So what? That bitch was about to leave me and take you with her! How dare she--”
Marina heard a crash, grunting, and a manic scream.
“Hello? Hello? What’s going on?”
“What should have happened a long time ago” said a male voice but she couldn’t tell if it was Hernan or her father.
Then, the line went dead.
THE END