L.A. is to me what chemotherapy is to cancer cells.
I have a love/hate relationship with L.A. Mostly hate. I loved Austin, but I was miserable there. I was drinking too much and my mother had moved from El Paso to Austin to bury me. Even though I had recovered from AIDS-related pneumonia, she uprooted herself to play la madre sufrida. I loved working at ALLGO and being surrounded by my butch Black and Chicana lesbian protectors. I love being part of the history of that historic organization. But I fled Austin to L.A. to die. I didn't want anyone I knew to see my demise though. I kept thinking about two AIDS films--Philadelphia and It's My Party. I wanted to literally fuck myself to death. Drink so much and have so much anonymous sex and poppers that my heart would just expire. I lived that way for a few months.
I had an epiphany, though. I'm not sure what, but I decided to turn my life around.
L.A. is the site of my academic successes. I finished my B.A., an M.A., and now I'm here. I didn't know I loved cats until I lived here. My health is the best it's ever been. I am currently "undetectable" meaning the virus is dormant. I have the same number of T-cells as an HIV- person. I've met such wonderful people in the three cohorts, the faculty at CSU Northridge, and my committee here at UCLA. I should be happy here, and for the most part I am.
L.A., however, shows its Monster Shadow Beast daily to me. There is such a lack of common courtesy. No one says hello to each other. Drivers want to race you or cut you off. LA is so segregated. LA Chicanas/os are so racist towards Black people. LA Mexican food is horrible. Chemotherapy kills cancer but also kills healthy cells. This contradiction is LA to me. Being here has helped me immensely but I feel the coldness of its inhabitants infecting me like some zombie virus. I don't want to become one of these rude, self-absorbed people who run red lights and change lanes without signaling. I have more or less kept my friendly, hospitable demeanor but I'm afraid of this city.
I have a love/hate relationship with L.A. Mostly hate. I loved Austin, but I was miserable there. I was drinking too much and my mother had moved from El Paso to Austin to bury me. Even though I had recovered from AIDS-related pneumonia, she uprooted herself to play la madre sufrida. I loved working at ALLGO and being surrounded by my butch Black and Chicana lesbian protectors. I love being part of the history of that historic organization. But I fled Austin to L.A. to die. I didn't want anyone I knew to see my demise though. I kept thinking about two AIDS films--Philadelphia and It's My Party. I wanted to literally fuck myself to death. Drink so much and have so much anonymous sex and poppers that my heart would just expire. I lived that way for a few months.
I had an epiphany, though. I'm not sure what, but I decided to turn my life around.
L.A. is the site of my academic successes. I finished my B.A., an M.A., and now I'm here. I didn't know I loved cats until I lived here. My health is the best it's ever been. I am currently "undetectable" meaning the virus is dormant. I have the same number of T-cells as an HIV- person. I've met such wonderful people in the three cohorts, the faculty at CSU Northridge, and my committee here at UCLA. I should be happy here, and for the most part I am.
L.A., however, shows its Monster Shadow Beast daily to me. There is such a lack of common courtesy. No one says hello to each other. Drivers want to race you or cut you off. LA is so segregated. LA Chicanas/os are so racist towards Black people. LA Mexican food is horrible. Chemotherapy kills cancer but also kills healthy cells. This contradiction is LA to me. Being here has helped me immensely but I feel the coldness of its inhabitants infecting me like some zombie virus. I don't want to become one of these rude, self-absorbed people who run red lights and change lanes without signaling. I have more or less kept my friendly, hospitable demeanor but I'm afraid of this city.